


Songs of despair

by DespairAsSweetAsCitrus



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, despaircest - Fandom
Genre: Abusive Parents, After death, Caffeine Addiction, Choking, Comfort, Declarations Of Love, Despair, Despaircest, Eating Disorders, F/F, Fenrir - Freeform, Grief/Mourning, Hope vs. Despair, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Memories, Red String of Fate, Sister-Sister Relationship, True Love, young junko, young mukuro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 04:15:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13826265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DespairAsSweetAsCitrus/pseuds/DespairAsSweetAsCitrus
Summary: A two chapter story that I wrote to cope with the lack of despaircest. They are both similar style stories but that is on purpose!





	1. Combat Baby

Junko sat alone in the control room, a sombre and miserable look plastered across her face as she lazily scanned the monitors watching the students at Hope’s peak academy as they were going about their day. Despair had yet to set in and hope was at its peak, this delighted Junko as she knew the fall from where they were right now meant that they would soon be wallowing in their own despair and Junko could sit and laugh, but she had was missing something. Yeah she was bored and yeah she had nothing to do but this feeling ran deeper, she closed her eyes and leaned her head back, blonde tussles of hair flowing down the back of the chair and a loud sigh left her mouth, she had felt like this since she had killed her sister. Images of Mukuro flashed through her mind and one particular memory made a heavy weighted feeling land on her heart. She kept replaying it over and over, the feeling of despair coursing through her veins shot up her spine and made her shudder, oh how she missed those lips. She would never admit it, but in between calling her sister a disappointment, ugly, stupid, anything she could call her, Mukuro was the only person she enjoyed spending any time with whether it be sex, fighting, plotting or simply talking and now she was gone. Junko missed the way that in the dead of night Mukuro would confess everything to a (what she thought was) sleeping Junko and the soft touches she would give her. She would caress her hair, her face, her body all because she loved her and there was no end to that love and now she couldn't do that anymore. Junko had spent the last few nights cuddling Mukuro’s pillow like it was her sister herself, clinging and burrowing her face into it just to regain anything she could, tear marks had now permanently marked the pillow and tear tracks permanently marked her face, usually if she had cried Mukuro would be there before a tear could even leave her eyes to console her and hold her close until she stopped but now she couldnt and she had to cry alone with nothing but her old clothes and the pillow to console her. Rage would fill her body at night, _‘stupid Mukuro, disappointing and idiotic Mukuro.’_

“You said you’d do anything for me! Why aren't you here! I want YOU and you said you'd do what I want, MUKURO FOR FUCK SAKE.” Her cries were hollow however and only echoed through an empty room and metal halls that nobody occupied at night before breaking down in a fit of tears again. This was the pattern for the last six days. Distraction, sadness, anger, sadness. Over and over again until she passed out and woke up the next morning, the same empty shell of the night before.

Junko now sat upright in her chair, a small lump in her throat and blood shot eyes stinging with pain. She needed a distraction, anything to stop this for now, she could kill someone, torture them and revel in there despair but she didn't want to, her feeling to torture and kill had been at an all time low, she had back up plans for her puppets in the academy to cause even more despair and plunge them into darkness but that wasn't good enough. Junko’s eyes searched around the room and she picked up her phone, pulled her earphones out from her pocket and found that music of all things seemed the most appealing. She scrolled through her playlist and her breath hitched and her body froze when she came across the one song that she had actually enjoyed that Mukuro did too. She remembers when Mukuro had first enthusiastically shown her the song, eyes so wide with hope as she played it, mouthing along with the words to herself to avoid Junko seeing her sing along. She did see and It made her smile to herself. When the song finished she brushed it off like she hated it, putting her sister into despair and misery but behind closed doors she would listen to it whenever Mukuro was away, when she needed to calm down or just wanted to hear it in general, it was her secret way of connecting with her sister even if she was thousands of miles away on the other side of the world. Junko pressed play on the song more enthusiastically than she meant to and the low bass guitar sent a familiarly soothing feeling through her. _‘Combat Baby’_ Junko’s vision focused on the songs title, even that seemed to fit her sister.

_We used to leave the blue lights on_

_And there was a beat_

_Ever since you have been gone it's all caffeine-free Faux punk fatigues_

_Said it all before They try to kick it, their feet fall asleep_

_Get no harm done no_

_None of them want to fight me_

A particular line made Junko think back to when she was younger and Mukuro ran away and she had started to drink coffee to stay awake all night in case her sister came back in the middle of the night. It later developed into an addiction that ironically was only stopped by Mukuro’s persistence and fear of her sister having a heart attack because of all the caffeine. It was enough for her to stop.

_Combat baby, come back baby_

_Fight off the lethargy_

_Don't go quietly_

_Combat baby_

_Said you would never give up easy_

_Combat baby come back_

Junko felt the tears start to track down her face again but she was determined to carry on, she focused on her phones screen a second and clicked the replay button to save her the effort of replaying it manually over and over again because she knew it was gonna be one of those days where she sat numb, memories being the only thing keeping her afloat. The rest of the song melted away through her distracted mind until she heard the line.

_No one here wants to fight me like you do_

For some unknown reason this reminded her of when she had had a very loud ‘conversation’ about Mukuro’s Fenrir days and why she didn't want her sister joining like she had once offered to, really only with the intention of wanting her company. Mukuro knew Junko didn't like getting her hands dirty and knew there was more than likely a motive behind her offer, making her suspicious and ultimately making Junko very angry at her for not trusting her. She remembered how she pinned Mukuro against the wall, her red nails tracking up and down her windpipe and how her sister struggled out an apology with her last remaining breaths before releasing her and hearing her thud onto the floor trying to catch her breath as she walked out of the door and laughed. _‘How the fuck did she carry on loving her like she did?’_

_Combat baby come back baby_

_Combat baby come back_

_Bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye_

_baby Combat baby come back_

_How I miss your ranting_

_Do you miss my all time lows_

Before Junko had realised the song had finished and was playing over again which Junko happily let happen. The last few lines clutching onto her the most, too painful to describe the memories attached to them. This was her own despair and for once in her life she didn't want it, well she did want it but not in the way she was feeling right now. Her despair only felt good with Mukuro at her side, she was her other half and now that was gone forever. Even in her death Mukuro gave her everything for Junko and that despair was everything she had ever asked for but not anymore.


	2. Crazy Chicks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mukuro’s half of the story!

The wind was cold as it hit the side of Mukuro’s face, her body under the cover of her Fenrir outfit was warm but that didn’t help anywhere else. She was on duty in Paris on a particularly bad day, she roamed the streets in an all black uniform marked with the Army’s logo on the back receiving stares from almost everyone she came in contact with, she hated the attention but she had to be professional no matter how much she disliked the consequences. Time was passing increasingly slowly and Mukuro was _bored_ , the word strung a cord in her heart, she used it very little and it only reminded her of her sister Junko. She had seen the commercials she was in whilst hauled up in her hotel room, the magazines she was all over in the stores she wondered and the interviews she proceeded with on daytime television which she caught in quick fleeting glances whilst getting ready for duty and with each and every time she saw her little sister her heart throbbed. She was unsure whether it was with pain or love, _maybe both?_ But she knew the feeling all too well. Mukuro stared down at her watch, it flashed 11:34PM brightly in the dark of night and she had done for the day but she wanted to wonder, she rarely just let herself go and be free and even the sensible side of her was telling her she needed a break so she decided to go, her steps were small and quiet, probably through years of practice and training but it conducted a nicer atmosphere to not be interrupted by hundreds of loud voices and bodies on their own personal mission through the busy city. She walked down a small ally with a dimly lit store displaying artwork in its windows, the light was just bright enough to cast a reflection and Mukuro stopped to look at herself, she looked tired, she had been out on duty since 5AM but she looked internally tired, desperate for a change of scene, desperate for a life she longed to have the most. She looked away from herself scared she would get too caught up in her thoughts and fall down a well of… _despair._ There is was again, that same tug, Mukuro deep down knew it was all about her sister, everything, even the reason she went away but it never stopped the pain. There was a sign in the window, the Eiffel Tower masterfully hand painted into the background with the most delicate cursive writing over the top. _‘The city of love.’_ Mukuro took note that her heart sped up by about 2mph after she read it, her vacant and glassy eyes suddenly filled with a glimmer of happiness and love, her head beginning to feel dizzy and her hands sweating. She knew that if she didn’t get herself together soon she would be incredibly off target tomorrow and her reactions and senses would be way down but for some unknown reason, like a magnetic force, she couldn’t take her eyes away from the sign, the little €10 sticker starting to peel away at its edges and she made a very important mental note to buy it instantly tomorrow. With her head now content with her bargaining to buy the sign she moved on, letting the dim street lights guide her way, lighting her up every other second like her own little spotlight, a missing figure for many many years now had her own spotlight and secretly to herself she loved it, attention from the people that mean the most was one of the only things she desired whether that was negative or positive, it didn’t matter, she now moved along with a little bit more of a jump in her step, still light and stealthful, the movement of a killer but a fleck of normality laced throughout her walk. Her contempitence soon wore off and she returned to her regular self, her steps heavier than before and boring into her skull so she pulls her phone out and checks its percentage, 78%, she roughly estimated this could last her for about 30 or so songs and so pulled her earphones out, the charge may last for 30 songs but she had one song in particular on her mind. She purposefully scrolled through her playlist, a very organised and easy to navigate place until she reached her song, she hit play and let the music sink into her. _‘Crazy chicks’_ Mukuro giggles to herself, one person in her mind and one person only as always.

_There's a spark in your eye_  
_And a grin on your lips_  
_She's a demon and I can't resist her_  
_On a night like this_

Mukuro’s steps started to become unbalanced, the near perfect description of the words in relation to Junko shocked her, she briefly contemplated if this song was actually written about or for her but with a quick and stern shake of her head that thought was dispelled. The memories of her and Junko were seeping their way back into her mind and as painful and humiliating as they were, they were the only thing Mukuro holds near and dear to herself as well as the photo of her and Junko in close proximity, the closest they’ve really ever been subtract sex, it was kept in her left breast pocket closest to her heart, she knows it was cheesy but that was the secret she kept locked away from everyone but herself and often enough she’d like to pretend as if that side to her didn’t even exist, it was much easier to be an empty shell but she couldn’t.

  
_Handcuffed to your side_  
_I know that I can't leave_  
_I'm fixated on asphyxiation_  
_But without you I can't breathe_

This is what life was like, whether she was next to Junko or not, the words accentuating her deepest feelings a little too well. Mukuro knew that she couldn’t leave, that she was ‘handcuffed’ to her side for as long as they live and the choking, gripping sensation around her heart, her neck (sometimes physically) and her entire life was only part of a master plan but she was addicted to it, it was like a high she just couldn’t come down from, she was addicted to the thought of love between the two as forbidden and taboo as it is, it gave her that rush and she could never ever let go of that.

  
_This must be a sign_  
_That I'm going insane_  
_'Cause you're on the right track with your knife to my back_  
_And your laugh inside my brain_

That particular line reminded Mukuro of one specific moment, it was a bright sunny day and the blinds in their shared room were flung wide open by Junko, Mukuro grunted and struggled under the sheets, turning on her front trying to gain just a little bit more sleep. As she slowly and unwillingly started to fall back asleep she felt a sharp metal scrape against her, a pair of thin legs straddle her and long blonde tussles of hair tickled her as it gently caressed her back, contrasting to the cold and recognisable blade now digging into her lightly, a line of blood coming from the wound and a soft but deceptive laugh could be heard coming from between her sisters soft and tempting lips, that laugh echos straight into one ear and causes a cocktail of emotions to rise in her heart, love, lust, passion, hurt, desperation, the list could go on and on, there was nothing she could do but drink it all up, drunk on love it could be said. Junko’s nails scraping along her back, sultry and husky whispers under the cover of the bed, endless confessions of her own emotions against the crevice of her sister's neck and that piercing laugh against her own. An electric shiver shockwaved itself down Mukuro’s spine remembering the night she first confessed herself and the feelings she had to her Sister, the cold shallow wind dancing around her body felt similar to how it did that night, raw, crisp and unnerving, it was a little nostalgic in a sick gut wrenching way.

_Tossing turning I run through your mind_  
_You'd kill for me?_  
_Yeah you're creepy when you're kind_  
_Who knew_  
_That voodoo_  
_Could do so much for me_  
_Got me under your hex, I'm perplexed_  
_I'm a doll in your hands and it's oh so plain to see_

Mukuro let out a shaky sigh, her mind whirling and her body weak, this walk was suppose to clear her mind but only made her think more, she reached into her pocket and pulled out the photo, the edges ripped a little and the photo faded from being rubbed against the jacket whilst in combat, Junko’s smile so bright and wide and Mukuro’s smile, only tiny but clearly visible. The twins blue eyes meeting each other and the look exchanged between each other would very clearly be described as love by anyone’s standards, much more than kinship love and that was clear to anyone’s eyes. The tall Fenrir building stood looming over her, a grey overcast threatened to foreshadow weeks and weeks of desperation for her and anyone else there, Mukuro knew that when she had run away it was her choice, she chose to join this organisation and to live this lifestyle but far too often she regretted that decision, usually in her nights alone, mind awash with nothing but static noise and snow screen thoughts and she even more so wished that each night when she shut her eyes, her sister and lover was by her side.


	3. I hate you, I love you.

It was no surprise to anyone that the despair sisters, Junko and Mukuro, were far more acquainted than sisters and it had been that way for years since they were little and when Mukuro left despite never seeing each other, the feelings still raged on. Junko knew this because she could never bring herself to flirt or date anyone else, people would fall to their feet for her, do her every command but something in her stopped her taking advantage of that every single time. She’d curse herself when she’s on her own, tell herself she was being pathetic and that it's just ‘ _ disappointing, ugly Mukuro’  _ But anytime she wanted to insult her sister without her in front of her, her breath got caught in her throat and her mind gave her a flash of that wonderful smile and those _ fucking gorgeous freckles  _ that could stop Junko’s world spiralling into chaos in a single second. All that could come out is a heavy sigh. Mukuro knew those feelings weren't missing because as she passed every store and Junko’s picture was there, glaring at her, her eyes started to well up, her chest tightened and even if she was right in the middle of an operation, she had to round a dark corner and cry it out much to the confusion to all her other comrades. She never was and never will be like her sister in many ways but as she looks at herself in the mirror in the corner of the dimly lit room with the grey brick walls that surround her like a cage she can’t help but see everything in herself that she shares with her sister, the most predominant being her eyes, Junko wore contacts in front of everyone else but once she was home and she took them out, the baby blue and steel infused eye colour shone and to Mukuro, those eyes were and to this day still are the most beautiful thing she has ever seen, she could spend hours, days, years getting lost in them and with no second though would she ever hesitate to accept the offer to look at nothing but Junko’s eyes. As she moves down her own reflection she can’t help but feel that tight guilt rile up in her chest as she sees her body covered in her Fenrir uniform, she chose this over her sister and on most days she cant help but think it was the biggest mistake she's ever made. 

As if she was in a movie Junko let out the most dramatic sigh she could muster, not purposefully but such was her personality and also so that her parents could hear her coming in over the voices currently shouting at volume 100 in yet another heated argument. A quick silence shot through the house when she heard “Oh it’s just Junko” mumbled in the background before carrying on but Junko didn't feel anything, it was an almost daily occurrence and just cursed under her breath, praying for their sweet despair to come soon. She tracked up the stairs, bag dragging behind her as she skulked past her parents room and like she did every day, she stopped outside Mukuro’s room and put her head round the corner to see if she’d come home but much like every day it was still cold and empty, Junko’s stomach dropped and she left, she has no idea why she thinks she would ever be there but in the back of her head she likes to believe this is all just a dream or a movie and that one day it'll all be over or that she’ll wake up and her sister will be right there, waiting for her with arms wide. But she never was.

Junko flopped onto her bed, now wearing one of Mukuro’s abandoned hoodies and lifted up her remote to play her music to drown out any outside noise, she wanted to be in her bubble and nothing else. Mukuro lifted up her ear phones and carefully placed them in her ears, trying so hard to block out the sounds of her comrades in the rooms either side of her and outside in the training ground, granted where she stood looking out the window isn't helping but her focus wasn’t on them, it was on the clouds in the sky and the planes jetting past watching how they move so fast wishing that could be her and watching the planes as they leave a trail behind, Mukuro wishes she could do that so Junko could follow her whenever she needed her and so she could be right by her side. 

_ Feeling used, _

_ But I'm _

_ Still missing you. _

_ And I can't, _

_ See the end of this. _

_ Just wanna feel your kiss, _

_ Against my lips. _

The music starts playing unexpectedly making her jump but she soon settles when she hears what’s being sung into her ears, the words hitting a chord unremarkably close to home, Mukuro always felt used, deep down whenever Junko did something particularly nasty she would get that low feeling in the pit of her stomach but even through all of that she still craved her kisses, no matter where they were or what had happened that day or night, without fail Junko or herself would find a way to make up and a kiss would always seal the deal, these were only one kind of kiss that Mukuro loved, she could never be settled by anyone else and Junko would always find a way to mix up her kisses making it  new every time and that is something that Mukuro greatly loved.

_ And now all this time _

_ Is passing by. _

_ But I still can't seem to tell you why, _

_ It hurts me every time I see you, _

_ Realize how much I need you. _

_ I hate you, I love you _

_ I hate that I love you _

_ Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you. _

_ I hate you, I love you _

_ I hate that I want you _

Ever since she left her time was getting slower and slower, the day by day was grinding and was making her want to grind her teeth with impatience, her only release from this loop was when she was on operations in a city centre and Junko’s face would be on a billboard or a front cover. To anyone else she just looked like another fan but if they truly knew maybe they would feel more sympathy or more disgust, nobody would ever be better than Junko and despite what everyone else thought she really did love her even when she sounded like she hated her.

_ I miss you when I can't sleep. _

_ Or right after coffee, _

_ Or right when I can't eat. _

_ Do you miss me like I miss you? _

_ Fucked around and got attached to you, _

_ If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit. _

_ If you wanted me you would just say so, _

_ And if I were you, I would never let me go _

Junko vividly remembered when she developed a distaste towards food and consisted on a diet of coffee as the lyrics rung in her ears and she also remembers when Mukuro would come home from school, both 14 at the time and cook easy to eat foods and would often sit for hours and hours on end, in silence or whispering words of encouragement whilst holding her as she cried or screamed, pushed away or tried to hit her. The downfall being the hardest bit but never the worst because she always had her sister by her side and she would never back down. It was similar at night when she couldn't sleep, Mukuro’s eyes would be heavy with sleep but so determined to stay awake for her, singing to her, rubbing her thumb over her cheek and playing with her hair so she could get a good night's rest, it always worked and every time she fell asleep in her sisters arms, head resting against her chest slowly raising up and down in a hypnotically calming pattern she would always have a small smile plastered across her face. She didn't appreciate it fully at the time but now she hasn't got it, she would do anything to get it all back. She wonders if Mukuro feels the same way, if she cherishes those moments like she does and for a second a flash of anger shoots through her chest remembering the day she left, her face and how she could avoid all this if she hadn't gotten attached more than sisters. She remembers the confession, hushed whispers under the cover of their bed and stolen kisses, fits of giggles knowing this is something they shouldn't be doing but they just couldn't help it. Mukuro’s face was flushed bright red and Junko was the first to say it, at first Mukuro just stared at her eyes wide with confusion before her mind focused and she brushed it off as sisterly love, this irritated Junko to no end but she needed to tell her, it had been on her mind too long and now was the time. 

~ flashback ~

“No... no Mukuro listen. I- I love you, you need to hear the difference. I love you Mukuro.” Junko was shaking hard and her hands which were currently enveloped in Mukuro’s started to sweat profusely. Mukuro stared at her for what felt like years but in fact was only a few seconds before her bridge of freckles lit up red, eyes wide and head bowed down, trying so desperately to hide her smile.

“I love you too Junko and if you mean in the way that I think you mean then yeah, yeah! I love you too. I've wanted to tell you for a long time bu-” Mukuro’s sentence was cut straight off by Junko’s lips crashing down onto her own and both of their bodies visibly relaxed, arms wrapping around each other and hearts pounding in synchronisation which they could both feel from their chests being so close together. This isn't their first kiss but this one felt different, much more open like they weren't hiding anything anymore, true feelings.

~ end flashback ~

Junko assumes this feeling will always be there but she couldn't let it into her head now, its volatile and right now she didn't want that, despair wasn't in her mind right now so she starts to mouth along to the chorus, hoping somehow Mukuro could feel her love and pain and bring it back to her. Mukuro was now sat on her beds edge, eyes closed and head in hands hoping to God that Junko could feel her right now, if there was anyway she get her emotions to her sister she would go to the lengths of the earth to do it. She started to mouth the chorus along with the song.

_ I hate you, I love you _

_ I hate that I love you _

_ Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you _

_ I hate you, I love you _

_ I hate that I want you _

_ You want her, you need her _

_ And I'll never be her. _

Junko turns herself over on the bed to face the wall, her room may be a mess but her walls were clear all except for one photo. Her sister and herself in Paris two days before she left, a heartfelt smile on both their faces, arms wrapped around shoulders and waists and genuine love shared between them.

_ I don't mean no harm, _

_ I just miss you on my arm. _

Mukuro pulls a photo out of her jacket, always on her person no matter where, the same photo that's constantly stared at, night after night, faded from tear stains and where its rubbed against her jacket. 

_ Caution tape around my heart, _

_ You ever wonder what we could have been? _

_ You said you wouldn't and you fucking did _ .

Mukuro remembers an argument that happened not long before that photo was taken. Mukuro had poured her heart out metaphorically unravelling the caution tape around her heart that she wore most of the time except in those moments alone with her sister and Junko had listened, held her when she cried and protected her when their Dad came into the room telling them to  _ “shut up and stop crying” _ to which Junko responded with a very loud voice and a confession of why she was crying which divulged enough of them both to let out the secret and to any normal person they would have figured out that that was the reason she was crying and pieced it together but thankfully in its own special way, the fact he was so enraged by her made him too blindsided by rage to listen to anything but not before hitting them and leaving for the night. Stunned in silence they both sat before Junko started to take her rage out on Mukuro, saying things along the line of regret and mistakes, one particular sentence stuck in her mind. “This was the biggest mistake and my stupid heart deserves to be cut out and destroyed for ever feeling anything towards you.” Both girls sat quiet as Mukuro fought to hold back the tears and Junko realised the volume of the words she’d just blurted out without thinking and left the room. Nothing else was exchanged for hours after that until Junko came back up to the room from downstairs and ran her hands along her raven hair, all tangled and corse whispering sweet nothings into her ears and to this day one of the most treasured sentences her sister has ever said to her. “I'm sorry, I never meant what I said, I regret it, your the best thing that's ever happened to me and us is the equally second best. I love you so much.” And in that instant when she turned around and saw the real Junko, eyes soft and makeup gone she couldn't help but fling her arms around her waist and whisper “I love you too.” Only for her to hear forever and always.

_ How is it you never notice, _

_ That you are slowly killing me, _

_ When love and trust are gone, _

_ So every lonely night I sing this song. _

Neither of them knew it but 1000 miles apart and tears are tracking down their faces, coming harder and harder the more they looked at the photo, the pain and love that joined them together was nothing short of true and if you could, you'd see a little red string attached to both of them, starting at Mukuro’s heart and spanning for miles and miles across seas and countries at a time before finishing stretched along the bed and attaching to Junko’s heart. The red string of fate is what many would call it and with no exception was this a lie.

_ I hate you, I love you _

_ I hate that I love you _

_ Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you _

_ I hate you, I love you _

_ I hate that I want you _

Both girls laid on their backs, arms opposite to each other reached up to the ceiling drawing in the air like trying to join the stars in their heads so that maybe just maybe when they both looked up at the sky in the dead of night they would see each other and know that somewhere in their heart, they still loved each other and no matter what they will always be together. 


End file.
